This is not my ceiling
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
