At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
