My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
