when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
