Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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