I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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