We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
