Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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