brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
