OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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