just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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