What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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