piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
