What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
They took my balls.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
