My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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