Four minutes until I can fart!
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
