I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
