I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Randomize
