some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
