So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I lost the right to judge tonight
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
