Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
