Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
