There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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