alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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