After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
