theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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