DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
We talked him into tasing himself.
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That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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