The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
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