Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
