Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
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