also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
