On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
