Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize