dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
