i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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