yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
