She is in my trunk
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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