dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
