Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
