Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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