I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
