Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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