You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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