shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
