I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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