apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
