Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
