ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
