Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I deserve this hangover.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
