HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
