So drunk its hurt
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
