i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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