and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
