My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
