I don't remember. Are we still dating?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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