Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
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