I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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