I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
